Saturday, October 15, 2011

Hulk Turns Heel On Obama

In what may be the most shocking event of the political season, Bruce Banner turned into a large green creature and ripped into President Obama.

Wait. What? Are you sure?

Hulk Hogan rips into Obama?

He's still alive?

His political opinions are relevant because............

I got nothing.

Via Yahoo News reporting off of Faux News' cutting-edge, pulse of the nation show Fox and Friends:

Fake wrestling champion Hulk Hogan supported President Obama in 2008, but alas, the honeymoon is over, Hogan said Thursday during a Fox News appearance.

"I was a big Obama supporter and kinda, like, believed everything he said he was gonna do," Hogan said on Fox and Friends. "But now that nothing's happened..."

Hogan said he was still sore about the president using his theme song, "I Am a Real American" when Obama addressed the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner shortly after he released his long form birth certificate earlier this year.

"I kinda was a little upset that he didn't ask me permission to use my music," Hogan added. "But the change of heart is that I think I should be president. I know nothing about politics. I think a flat tax across the board would straighten everything out."

When told that the Hulk's idea sounds something like presidential candidate Herman Cain's "9-9-9 Plan," he responded, "Wow, yeah well he's not a real American like I am. . . . I've been around, people know me, they know everything about me, they know I'm for real, they know I know nothing about politics. I'll just make decisions on what's right or wrong."

How is it even possible to force that much stupid into such a small space? The Incredible Hulk could grunt out a more coherent and nuanced political stance while smashing things with a tank. How exactly do you go from being an Obama supporter to supporting a flat tax on Fox and Friends?

Easy! Just follow these simple steps.

1. Watch Hank Williams Jr. bring the stupid on Fox&Friends.
2. Watch a washed up, irrelevant former star like yourself receive tons of negative publicity.
3. Decide that negative publicity is better than no publicity.
4. Bring the stupid on Fox&Friends!

In Vol. 22, No. 4, the Fall 2002 issue of Free Inquiry Harlan Ellison had a piece that I will never forget titled "Terrorists". I can not locate it online for free, but I have the issue in front of me. He begins the piece

It is wickedly difficult attempting to generate a sense of gravitas when you have convinced yourself that you have nothing to say that anyone should properly need to hear.

Let me try this:
Why can't I get that portion of the human race to which I have access to understand that it has been systematically gulled, hoodwinked if you will, had enough smoke blown up its kilt to refloat the Lusitania, by disingenuous egalitarian bunkum, into believing "Everyone is Entitled to His or Her Opinion" when, in truth, everyone is only entitled to his or her informed opinion; and all the witless upchuck devoid of fact or common ratiocination is merely the chittering of intellectually-arid hominids swathed in Old Navy shmatahs.

No, I can't launch into it that way. Sounds too Elitist. Don't even dare to suggest that some folks are smarter than some other folks. That ain't The American Way. All opinions have the same weight: Herman Kahn, Debbie Reynolds, Miss Cleo, Colin Powell. Joyce Carol Oates. Adam Sandler.

And may I add, Hulk Hogan?

Skipping ahead a bit...

Everybody wants to be on television. Everybody. At the scene of a fifty-car smashup, bodies strewn everywhichway like bloody pick-up-sticks, there will invariably be some gobbet of human phlegm who, with slack jaw and extruded tongue, positions him or herself behind the stringer with the mike, who waves to the world or to Mom while squishing an ejected large colon 'neath his/her Nikes. Pedestrians in malls, passersby in markets, patrons in moviehouses, all pant and drool as their progress is impeded by a total stranger with a hand-mike, seeking their oracular wisdom. The late British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan once wrote, "I have never found, in a long experience of politics, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance."

And, hell, we pay politicians to have opinions.

Everybody wants to be a dancing bear on television, and everybody deserves to shoot off a big mouth on the tube, because as everybody knows....We Are All Entitled To Our Opinion.

Doesn't matter if we're dumb as a box of Hamburger Helper, as uninformed as a hemorrhoid, as surfeited with jingoism and urban myth as a foot-soldier in the White Aryan Army, by gosh we're entitled to express that bone-stick-stone opinion, endlessly, at the top of our lungs, ungrammatically, like uh totally and, gawd willin' and the crick don't rise, on telemuthuhfugginvision

With no intent to do so, nine years ago, Harlan Ellison wrote the most accurate review of Fox&Friends I have yet seen. (Apologies to Harlan Ellison for using such a small piece of a great article to make my point. I urge you to track the article down if you have never read it, the full work is definitely worth a few moments of your time.)

So who is next, Fox&Friends?

Britney Spears? Lindsey Lohen? Jeff Foxworthy? Billy Ray Cyrus? Smilin' Bob from the old Enzyte commercials?

You've got us hooked, don't leave us hanging now.

Screw expert opinions. We want ignorant opinions!

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